Long Cold Night

Last night my worst fears were realized.
My left leg - precisely the back of my calf muscles started aching like hell. There were electric shock like radiations. I panicked immediately. But did not tell hubby.
I cried myself to sleep. My deteriorating health, my resulting dismal performance in office, our bleak future loomed large in front of my eyes.
I hoped that I could 'sleep away' the pain. Which unfortunately did not happen.
The silver lining was that I slept without pain.
Was indecisive in the morning regarding office.
My colleague helped me by taking out her car and hence, I have come to office looking and feeling like a nightmare.
Will leave post lunch.
I pray to God - 'Let the leg pain have nothing to do with my messed up back'.

Theological Musings

What I have repented most after breaking my back is my shaking belief in God.
I want to believe in Her but my mind does not comply.
I used to be an atheist in my childhood.
Once Meni Miaow got very ill. She refused food for almost a week. Then, one day, in the darkest day of her illness, she ran away. I was grief stricken and prayed fervently to Ma Kali to bring her back to me and to spare her life. Miraculously, our maid informed that Meni Miaow was hididng on one of the windowsheds next door. I remember having stood on a stool and climbed the shed daringly to rescue her. She took her medicines calmly and started getting better from the next day. My belief in Ma was established.
Through the next few years, I had started praying to Her unconsciously during times of trouble.
I was not demonstrative of my respect and belief for her. I could not do 'Pronam' to any deity. But, my faith in her continued to grow as I explored my spirituality.
Then came this accident. I cannot help but question Her what grave wrong did I do to deserve this so early in my life. Till date, I do not have an answer.
One might say that God is testing me. But, contrary to religious sermons, I do not understand how pain can elevate one's spirits. Continued physical pain and missing out on a 'normal' life twists the human heart. One starts to fantasise about bad things happening to friends and not-so-close relatives. The mind waits greedily for bad news concerning 'other people'. One might argue that this is Satan tempting the soul. But then the pertinent question is 'Who broke my back?' Was it God? Was it Satan?

A Bad Night

Yesterday was pretty bad.
Walked home in a rain.
Everything I tried to cook flopped.
I ate two slices of buttered bread with a cheese slice in between and watched back-to-back episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" and "Criminal Minds".
My back was hurting real bad and I was depressed because of that.
Skipped the hot shower and massaged some Volini on my poor back and went to sleep.
Woke up at 2:30 AM in the night. My back was aching and I was feeling hungry. Warmed some milk and had some cornflakes. Massaged Volini again and tried hard to get back to sleep. I could not afford to take Carisoprodol so late in the night for fear of sleeping late into the morning.
Woke up irritated and touchy in the morning.
Have reported late for work :(
Wish today brings less/no pain for me.

Fingers Crossed

I had a bad weekend with considerable back pain.
However, this week started off on a lukewarm note. I had moderate to low pain yesterday and today.

I tried hot compress with a small towel on 6th April and I was bedridden for the next 5 days due to pain in L2/L3. A hot bath 6 days later gave me pain in L5. So, I have reconciled myself to hot shower. I am taking a brief hot shower at night followed by gentle massage with Volini.I also had to take Carisoprodol at night but that was primarily for a sound sleep and not so much for the pain.

My husband would be flying back next week or the week after and would be accompanying me back home. I am planning a trip to Vellore, India once I am back and get my back thoroughly checked and course of medication determined. Let's see what the future has in store for me :)

Bad Times

I am currently extremely upset.
My back is aching horribly in a different way for the past 7 days. I went to see the doctor yesterday and he  had nothing conclusive to say (yet again). I have promised my hubby not to see the medical articles for back pain. And just a while ago, my manager told me that the company cannot sponsor my hubby's trip here to get me back - the reason being company policy. It's a miracle how they can state company policy when somebody is ill and alone in a foreign country. They never seem to take any account of any company policy otherwise. This company sickens me to my stomach. I am just dying to be out of it.

I feel like crying my heart out. I have been doing a lot of that lately. Could be PMS. Or it could be that I cannot take it anymore. Why is God trying me? Why the darkened skies all around me? Will I ever be pain free again? I just want to go home and be with my hubby. Big tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this.

Heat Therapy

All I do these for my aching back is a nighttime hot bath followed by a gentle massage of Volini. It is a pain reliever gel widely used in India.
My pain had gone up somewhat over the weekend. It is a solid pain that I feel in the lumbar bone when I do any activity that puts vertical pressure on the back like putting on socks, closing a water tap etc. This changes to an itchy annoying pain in the daytime.
Yesterday, while getting up from the hot bath, I felt the same solid pain again. I have decided that I will not subject myself to getting down and up from the bathtub from today. I will change the method of applying  mosit heat. I will either use a hot compress with the help of a small towel or I will take hot showers from now on.
Another important observation from yesterday's nightly ritual - Volini gel/cream is much more effective than the spray version. I will have to keep this fact in mind when I buy Volini by the carton when I am back home in Kolkata, India.

A Patient Ear

Have you ever felt the need to talk to somebody? Today is probably the first time I am feeling desperately alone. I cannot imagine opening my heart to anybody out here in the office. And more importantly, nobody in office has time to listen to my harangues.
Would crying help? I wonder.
There is a gap between people - however close they might be. My husband keeps talking about his office and his vacation plans when he talks to me over phone. However much I try to tell him about my physical pain and my mental turmoil thereof, he cannot understand my plight. And he cannot be blamed. Probably I would not have understood him had he been in a similar situation.
I have stopped reading the medical journals because I am engulfed by a wave of depression when I read of similar cases and realize that nobody was similarly afflicted at my age. I am like a child who wants something badly and refuses to accept that it cannot be had even though in her of heart knows that it cannot be had.
I want my back pain free days back - I want to rewind back to the day I had my accident and I want to live it differently.

Wellwishers

Yesterday, I went over to a colleague's apartment for coffee.
She kept on talking about her plans over the Easter weekend. When people keep on blabbing on and on about their plans, I believe they should be sensitive to the people they are talking to.
I have been forced to turn into a recluse after my back injury. Whenever, my pains flare up, I have to rewind and rewind in my mind, things that I might have done to worsen my pain. Most of the times, I can't remember anything specific. But, to lessen the chances of future injury, I have restricted my social activities. I rarely eat out. I seldom go out shopping. I hardly visit my colleagues - not that they are complaining. So, it's great if your weekend is jampacked with plans - you do not need to rub in that you are having a wonderful time out in the open amongst the clear blue waters of the California coast or among the snow-capped mountains - while all I can manage is to sit at home and mope.
This well-meaning lady also had a piece of sage advice when I left her apartment - 'Everything that happens is for the good'. I can think of no good in the present, near or far future that came out of my back injury. It has limited my life in a way and at a time which is beyond my worst nightmares. Inspite of that, I cope everyday only to be at the receiving end of such saintly nuggets of gold. I will keep my complaints to myself. Please keep your advice with you.

What this blog is about

I am a 28 year old female who was involved in an incident 4 months back. Initially, I was diagnosed with an L2 compression fracture. MRI revealed disc narrowing and disc dessication in L2 and L3 and disc bulging at L5. Reportedly, MRI reports have been known to be misleading in the sense that they tend to find out stuff that is really not important. Two of the doctors that I have seen were hopeful for my recovery because of my age. But in the fifth month running, I still lay awake at nights with my back pain. I needed a place to vent my feelings and hence this blog. Hopefully, it will attract others who have been suffering from back pain.
P.S: I chose a cheerful template for this blog since I know there is hardly any cheer left in people suffering from chronic back pain.