A Long Gap in Physiotherapy

Last week it rained bigtime in Kolkata. And hubby was in training earlier this week. So, I had to give my physiotherapy sessions a miss for 10 long days. Yesterday, I felt so pampered after my physio session. I felt no severe discomfort in these 10 days. Only on one day did I have major cramps in the leg which I assumed was due to dehydration and had nothing to do with my back injury.

I have regained the ground that I had lost due to the ditch incident about a month back. My physiotherapist has agreed for me to visit his chamber only once a week. For the record, I used to go to his chamber everyday when I started out with his treatment. At home, I am supposed to take 20 minute brisk walks daily and do the leg stretches with the Theraband atleast 5 times a week. The only gym equipment that I am allowed to use is the exer-bike. However, I am a lazybone and do none of this. I really need to pick myself up and get into a daily exercise schedule - however moderate that may be. The back injury is just like a snake which can get back quickly and bite me bad.

PMS and Back Pain

For the last couple of months, I have observed that my back pain coincides with PMS. I have always suffered mild PMS symptoms like stomach and leg cramps, a splitting headache, mood swings and overall tiredness. These days, the back pain peaks while I am undergoing PMS.

On the whole, I am way better than I was when I wrote the last post. I can sit through minor bumps and craters on the road. I 'fly' only when I encounter major potholes.

Pain Weekend

This Saturday, I was in considerable pain and hubby lugged my sorry self to the physio's chamber.
My continuing pain baffled the physio and he authorized an X-Ray.
There was no fracture. This was the good news.
The bad news was that the physio could not figure out what was causing such violent muscle spasms.
He prescribed Calpol - 2 times a day for 3 days to bring down a viral infection if any.

Yesterday(which was Sunday) saw me unable to get out of bed in the morning.
The pain lessened a little and the stiffness improved when I cooked lunch in the afternoon.

Today, I felt good enough to venture into office. I do have knots of pain in my back. But, atleast the pain has localized.Hope this improvement persists. Fingers crossed!

Depression

The most important thing on the path of recovery for a neuro-musculo-skeletal injury is a positive outlook.
I find it hard to be optimistic in the face of such severe and recurring pain.
I was just on the verge of regaining my confidence for life when the ditch induced relapse happened.

I have since stopped writing in my 'Prosaic Ramblings' blog. I try to keep the pain part of me restricted to this blog. Prosaic Ramblings was born when I was in a happy frame of mind. And I try to keep the posts there short and funny. This blog is like my pain diary.

I am completely beaten down at the moment. My entire project team has gone out to lunch. I could not accompany them because I was afraid to risk my vulnerable back on the newly rained over potholes strewn all over SaltLake Sector V. Also, I would have found the chairs in the restaurant uncomfortable. Being left alone like this does no good to my mood. A while back hubby came over to my desk and discussed this year's promotion prospects. I do not stand a chance at promotion this year(or any year for the matter) primarily because nobody stands behind me. But hubby could have spared me this depressing talk when I was in so much physical pain and suffering from an acute sense of isolation.

I have observed an emotional gap with hubby post my accident about 10 months back. He does not feel my pulse and therefore cannot comfort me in times of my back related distress. As I had written in one of my earlier posts, I feel the need to have a heart-to-heart chat with someone. Alas, the only deep conversation I have these days are with Goddess Kali when I admonish her for causing me so much suffering.

Physiotherapy post The Relapse

I went to my physio yesterday.
Told him about the ditch incident and the subsequent pain I was in.
He did not do a 'poking' search but concluded that I had not broken a bone.
He also asked me to go off all the exercises for the time being. And this just after I had received the precious Theraband....sob, sob :(

I was put on IFT, then on TENS and finally Diathermy.

The stiffness post ditch-incident has diminished a little after this emergency physio session. Hoping to gain back the ground that I lost as a result of this freak accident. Wishing myself good luck......

Relapse

The dreaded relapse is here.

I cannot describe the despair and hopelessness that I feel at the moment. I have been submerged in the deepest level of depression. It took months of physiotherapy to get me to where I was last Sunday. The ditch incident spoiled it all. Being unfit and constantly in pain alters the basic fabric of a normal human mind. I am screaming at hubby all the time now.

Most infuriating is the fact that I do not know what is causing the back pain now. Did I fracture another vertebra? Did the percentage of compression increase in the old fracture? Are my nerves hurting? Or is it a muscle pull? Nobody can answer these queries for sure. My physio thinks it has nothing to do with the spinal bones as such. But, then how do I explain the burning electric shock like pain shooting up and down my spine at times? I feel like breaking every breakable(and unbreakable thing) in my line of sight :(

The Ditch and It's Aftermath

Today morning, hubby tried to overtake a vehicle from the left. There was really deep ditch on the dirt road where my side of the wheel was travelling as a result of the beforementioned manouver. I have been travelling all across the potholes of Kolkata for the past 4 months. This was the mother of all 'gadda's. No sooner than I got dunked into the ditch, I let out a yelp. And then I started crying. I was inconsolable. I cried all the way to office. And am giving hubby the cold treatment since then. Just when I was on the verge of recovery, God decided to play spoilsport again. Am fearing a relapse now :(

Conferring of The Theraband

The exercises that I do (at the physio's) are mostly done using a 'Theraband' which is a broad elastic band  providing resistance to the muscles. How one ties the Theraband changes the strength of the resistance offered. I had been requesting my physio to disclose the store name and location from where I could procure a Theraband. He kept mum on 2 or 3 such occasions. However, yesterday he gifted me a yellow Theraband and taught me how to tie it around my ankles. I was on top of the world!

Etiquette

Is it polite to fall asleep on the physio table?

I do feel like going to sleep when I am on IFT. And I do nod off at times. But, I have never really fallen asleep. However, I can hear a lot of snoring in the background when I am in the physio's chamber. Guess pain relief is a great sedative in itself.

Heels, here I come

I gingerly asked my physio whether I could wear heels.
He asked me to go ahead.

Apparently, I am in the 'all wrong doings' phase. In this stage, the patients are encouraged to test out the limits and see how much the back can cope with. In case of severe pain, help is always at hand. By now, the physios know what works for me. Like, I am never given ultrasound these days. I am only given IFT and Diathermy. And a lot of hamstring stretches.

Yippee!! Just the thought of being in heels gladdens my heart :)

Movie Marathon

Last Thursday, we bunked office and went off to Forum.

The original idea was to check out Forum Courtyard which is housing some big brands like Mango, Aldo etc. Thanks to my broken back, I can't even be looking at shoes with heels. So, I bought a beige pump from Aldo.

Splurging over, we got tickets to 'Aisha'. Just after the interval, I could feel some pain and stiffness in my back. I realized that I should have taken a short walk during the interval instead of sitting tight. There was still some 4 hours to kill after 'Aisha' was over. We decided that we would accomodate another movie. We settled down to 'Once Upon a Time in Mumbai'. I did not repeat my earlier mistake. During the interval, I walked down to the front of the screen and took a little walk. About 5 minutes into the walk, the speakers started blaring advertisements so I hurried back to my seat. There was virtually no discomfort after this second movie.

I must remember to gift something special to my physio who made this new life possible for me.

Perils of the Road

Surviving the commute from home to office has been one of my biggest challenges since starting the rehab. My physio had initially advised me against travelling long distances and sitting for long. However, since I had spent a full month just lolling in bed as per advice of an eminent orthopaedic, I could not afford any more paid leaves from office.

For the months of June and July, we employed a driver. His activities can constitute a complete post :) He was a damn good driver and I had verbally trained him to go slow and avoid the countless craters and unlevelled manholes plagueing the streets of Kolkata. We got rid of him this month and since then, hubby has been driving me around everywhere. The commute these days is full of action what with hubby and me exchanging heated profanities with each other.

Today was the first day, I rode in a different car other than our Chevrolet Spark. N took us to Haka in City Centre. He did reasonably well juggling the numerous potholes and bumpers-that-were and stretches-only-dug-and-not-fixed. However, I could not scream at him when he missed a rough patch. Instead, I hung on to the holder and lifted myself up when I anticipated that the car could go down at a considerable depth. I had a little ache in my right hand as a result of this. But my back was saved.
This is a great revelation and I am going to use this on my daily road voyage with hubby. Maybe then, the unsavoury word fest within the car will be put to rest.

First Late Night@Office

I spent my first late night at the office since the accident last Friday.
I was given some work around 5:30pm in the evening because the boss had to leave. I sat in office till 10:45pm! I did experience some amount of back pain and a little stiffness. But the good thing was that this pain did not spillover onto the next day.
I would not like to tax my healing back very frequently.
But this rare late night in office fixing high visibility issue did boost my confidence a lot :)

Things I Miss

I have been meaning to write this post for quite some time now.
It is an understatement that life has been vastly different ever since I broke my back. Still, there are things that I find I can live without. Like heels. The devilish red pointy one gives me blues at time though. There are, however the following things that I find hard to come to terms with.

1. Splashing cold water on my face the first thing in the morning. Gurgling after lunch.
The reason why I am unable to do both is my inability to bend forward. If I try to do any of the above (and I have tried), I end up wetting the front of my dress.

2. Picking up stuff from the floor/below knee level. I hate having to call somebody to pick up my stuff for me. So, most of the time, I use my feet as a mini-crane and get my hands on the desired object.

3. Having to depend on someone to drive me around to my destination. My greatest objection against American city life was the sketchy public transport. But with my weak back and the numerous potholes dotting the Kolkata roads, hubby has to take me around everywhere - office, physio chamber etc. I am basically under house arrest when the car goes for servicing. It is particularly hard for me because just about a year back, I used to travel in public buses - standing inside the bus, wearing a sari and carrying a laptop. Now, I can do none of the three.

4. Thinking twice before taking stairs.

5. Not being able to use a bucket and a mug for taking bath. In bathrooms where the shower cannot mix hot and cold water, hubby has to get tepid water for me in a bucket on a plastic table and I dip the mug in the bucket and take my bath. My physio has strictly instructed me not to take a bath in cold water.

I hope, in time, I will be better equipped to deal with the restrictions that my back injury brought with it.

Exercises

My physio has asked me to do a set of back stretches twice a day and has also encouraged me to take 20 minute brisk walks. Unfortunately, with my office schedule, I manage to do neither. As a result, I developed a nagging pain in the left part of the small of the back. My physio quickly located the cause to be my habitual inactivity and the subconscious reflex of trying to 'protect' my back. So, yesterday's physio session was all about exercises.
I started off on toe curls - both upward and downward. I then did hamstring streches. This was followed by side leg lifts. I was then led to the 'theraband' area where an elastic band was tied to my waist while I moved back a few steps and held the position. I had to do this walking backwards and sideways. Then the head physio put me on my back on two medicine balls and rolled them. I felt really insecure. I have never liked having my feet up from terra firma. I hate lifts and absolutely dread airplanes. Naturally, while the balls rolled below my back, I had a feeling that I was about to fall in between them on the floor. Needless to say, no such thing happened.
The physio made me do front bend stretches while he thumped my back from top to bottom. We did this two times.
The final exercise had me standing on a pneumatic cushion and playing catch with another of the physio guys. The cushion ensured that I had no stability on my feet and I was wary that the ball would hit me in the eye and push off my contacts. Again, my fears were unfounded.
I was given Diatherm and a little bit of IFT on my sore area.
Then, finally, I went home.

Cause and Effect

I am in a real nasty mood today. Therefore, today's post will be all bitching.
I never mentioned the person responsible for my injury.
Today, I plan to 'expose' the guy.


He was(is?) my friend. We used to be colleagues at the company where I started my career.
Incidentally, he was in USA at the same time I was.
We planned a trip. It might have all ended well were it not for one single moment of carelessness on his part.
I might have forgiven him had he sustained any injury at the time of the 'incident'. However, he just walked away from the whole episode without a scratch on him. And I stand maimed for life.
When the ambulance was taking me away to the nearest hospital, he was busy calling his car insurance.
He should have escorted me back to my apartment. Instead he took an earlier flight stating office emergency.


I will never forget that day at the airport in Salt Lake City, Utah.
I was strapped onto a wheelchair. With a broken back. All alone in an alien country.
I could not stop my tears from streaming down.


However, I was not aware of the long term damage done to my back. I just thought of my back injury as one broken bone which would heal in due course of time. Little did I know that spinal compression fractures literally change the entire dynamics of the spine. It messes up discs, nerves and muscles. I have had to retrain myself to deal with my back on a day-to-day basis.


And all this while, the 'cause' has been living his life - buying cars, recording music et all. He does call from time to time. Just routine calls. To let him know if I need any help. I am sure he has brushed off the guilt long time back. His calls are just a way of showing magnanimity.
The 'effect' is still trying to make sense of why God made her live that fateful afternoon.

TENS Revisited

I have had 2 more sessions of TENS since my last post.
Apparently, TENS is working better than IFT for me. For the uninitiated, TENS is nerve stimulation and IFT is muscle stimulation. Both use medium frequency electric current.
The process involves placing some gel-smeared flat plastic rounds on strategic parts of my back.
Current is then sent through.
No, I do not get electrocuted. There is just a pleasant sensation of a deep-tissue massage.
Looking forward to the next physio session.

TENS

I had my first TENS session last Monday.
It is some kind of electric nerve stimulation. Did not help me greatly. I have been in considerable pain all of yesterday. Primary reason being the driver bumped into a bumper while getting back home from the physiotherapist. The husband received all the flak. But naturally.

I could have visited the physio guy today but decided against it. Let the body not get too used to getting physio sessions every other day.

Brokeback in Office

I informed my immediate manager and his manager about my affliction. I would be able to do time every day for about 5 - 6 hours daily. I would also be leaving office around 5 - 5:30 PM on the days that I have physiotherapy.

My manager promptly arranged a laptop and a datacard for me. Having hubby in the same organization helped me in this. I mean, if I have a broken back, how can I carry a laptop?

My office friends - Su, I, P&N and Pr were (and are) extremely sympathetic to my pain. They take the lift with me even if I am going down to the floor just below/above. They are really attentive when we go out onto the street in front of the office for tea.

I wrote a mail to the Admin chief to get myself an ergonomic chair. Some following up as per N's advice later, I am sitting in my high-backed chair usually given out to managers/PCs.

All in all, this company has been good to me after I returned prematurely from my 'onsite' assignment on medical grounds.

Physiotherapy

I was introduced to this miracle by father.

I started office on 22nd June, 2010. Within a day or two I realized that sitting out the 8 office hours was going to be impossible for me. I spoke out my concerns to Baba. He arranged an appointment with eminent physiotherapist JM who happens to be Manab Kaku's brother-in-law by marriage. Manab Kaku is Baba's business partner.

On the first consultation J said that the fracture had healed alright. However, the nerves and muscles had reduced to a painful knot. He got me started on Ultrasound right away. I also did some leg stretching with an elastic band tied around my ankles.

I started visiting J's chamber every day/every alternate day. The usual routine is spinal/para-spinal IFT followed by Ultrasound with Diatherm(just plain old heat) bringing up the rear. Twice, I have done stretching with elastic band(s) around my waist. Last day, I was taught back stretches - lateral and frontal. I am supposed to start with counting 5 and move on upto counting 10. Each exercise - 10 repetitions. Each set of repetitions to be done twice or thrice a day. I did the exercises yesterday morning - skipped at night - got waylaid by Bacardi Breezer(yay!! it's back in the market), biriyani and firni. Did the exercises today morning. My entire lower back in aching today. Looking forward to the visit to the physiotherapist scheduled for later today.

Brokeback at Home

Sorry for the huge delay in posting.

I was back in Kolkata on 10th May, 2010. And I consulted an eminent orthopaedic soon after. He advised bedrest. He prescribed Etova, some other antibiotic the name of which I have forgotten and Supracal Pro. He demonstrated 3 exercises which I was supposed to start right away. I carried on with this schedule.

I drove mother up the tree by refusing to take the stairs. She brought me lunch and Sayan brought me dinner - the kitchen is on the first floor and I had taken up residence on the ground floor. I was getting on father's nerves too by staying back at home. I had a real bad time. The pain did not get any better. And I was home alone frequently. Father and Sayan had their respective offices and Ma had her tuitions and school.

We bought 3 appliances/furniture to make the room suitable for my now changed needs. We got a geyser and had the plumbing done such that the shower could get me warm water straigtaway instead of mixing the hot and cold water in a bucket and having to bend down to get the temperate water from the bucket. Father got a lower bathroom hanger at my request. Then, we got father a 1 tonne AC - we had usurped his room because it was bigger than the one we used to originally stay in. Along came a Godrej steel almirah. And true to Godrej's tradition, we found a flaw with the lower shelves immediately and had to raise a ticket to have it fixed. A few days later, the locker refused to lock!

I read up quite a few books during the days spent in bed.
1. Sevel Dials Mystery - Agatha Christie
2. 5 Little Pigs - Agatha Christie
3. Partners in Crime - Agatha Christie
4. To Kill A Mocking Bird - Harper Lee
5. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
6. The Stars Look Down - A.J Cronin
7. The Plague - Albert Camus
9. Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
10. New Moon - Stephenie Meyer - I am still trying to finish this awfully amateur vampire-human-werewolf saga.

The BrokeBack in the Plane

I wished with all my heart that I could have boarded a ship instead of a plane to go back home.
However, my transport of choice would take months to drop me off in Kolkata. So, I resigned myself to fate and left for the airport on 8th May, 2010.


San Francisco Airport
We reached the airport around 3 hours before take-off. The wheelchair assistance service of Singapore Airlines was pathetic. The ground staff were unable to arrange a better seat for me. The lady who handled the wheelchair was listless and apathetic. I decided limping was better than being dragged along by a complete morone. Hubby brought along a salad. But I was too much terrified to eat.
Herein, I must mention the counter-intuitive design of the San Fran airport. The restrooms were rather far from the boarding lounge. One had to take an escalator/elevator and then had to walk a long way to the restroom. Also, most of the eateries were closed. USA is full of 24 hour diners like Dennys etc. Wonder why they did not think of something similar for the airport which has international flights that take-off in the middle of the night.


Flight from San Fran to Hongkong
This flight was of 14 hours duration and my longest flight ever. The first of the flight was pretty much uneventful with very little turbulence. I managed to calm my nerves with a photograph of Ma Kali, my stuffed toy Buni and my hubby's hand. I watched 'Shutter Island' to keep my mind away from the bumps and dips of the plane. I hardly ate any dinner or breakfast. However, I ate two crackers and some potato chips.
My back was hurting badly by the third hour. I rubbed on some Volini and took short walks.
The plane started trembling violently near Osaka over Japan Sea. I was sure that I was going to die. I let out a muffled scream much to the consternation of other passengers. This horrible state of affairs continued for around 15 minutes. But, it was enough to shatter my nerves. This happened two hours before touchdown. I did not move from my seat again before hitting terra firma.


Hongkomg Airport
This was a lovely airport. Absolutely spic-and-span and thankfully with strategically placed restrooms. I had denied wheelchair assistance this time after the messy experience at San Fran. Me and hubby freshened up with the mini toothpaste and toothbrush provided by the airlines. I tried to prepare myself for the next flight which was in less than an hour.


Flight from Hong Kong to Singapore
This flight did not bother me as much since we had crossed the Pacific by then and it was daytime outside. However, I still could not eat and was subsequently faced with a mini-mutiny by hubby who refused to have lunch unless I ate too. We struck a compromise where I ate a few bits of fruit and promised to eat a blueberry muffin later and he ate everything but the main course. There was almost no turbulence in this 4 hour flight. The Seat Belt sign never turned on other than take-off and touch-down.

Singapore Airport - Changi
This is the most marvellous airport in the whole world and this was my second time here - however, it took me two visits to succumb to it's charms. I was meeting my sister-in-law in Singapore and was bothered by the fact that I was stinking at that point in time. We got ourselves transit visas and met up with our relatives. After a fun-filled 7 hours at their house, we bade them goodbye. We still had about an hour when we reached Changi. We finished up some last minute shopping as I braced for one last flight before reaching sweet home.

Flight from Singapore to Kolkata
I was super-nervous on this flight. I was this close to reaching my sweet Kolkata. I wanted the flight to be super smooth and safe. Again, I refused dinner and just had orange juice with soda. I saved up a yoghurt for later. This was a night flight and the pilot warned about impending turbulence. However, there was about 5 minutes of very low-grade turbulence and we made a somewhat bumpy touch-down in Kolkata.

Kolkata Airport
I was home after 11 months!! Yippee!!!

The BrokeBack in Emergency

I went to my boss´s place on 2nd May for a barbecue party. This was also my farewell. I quite enjoyed myself on this ocassion. Ate a frightful amount of roast beef and had two tumblerful of red wine. I had sat at the yard with both my legs swinging from a bench.
I paid the price of my enjoyment just the next day. I had to call a friend to take me to an emergency. The pain in my left leg was killing me. My friend took me to the Palo Alto Medical Foundation emergency department where a certain Dr. Ahluwalia took me for my word when I said that I feared the pain in my left calf was due to my lower back injury. She did not botther to run any diagnostic tests whatsoever. She did not even pull up my legs to ensure there was no gross neurodeficit. For all I know, the left calf pain could very well have been a result of a local injury. Going by the diagnosis of this brilliant doctor, the nurse gave me two rather painful injections of Prednisolon and Toradol respectively on my butt. In addition, the doctor also prescribed Hydrocodone(Vicodin) and Indomethacin. I Googled later to find that the latter has very severe side-effects. Thankfully, I had not partaken of this particular medication and was hence saved from a nightmarish headache(one of the many nasty side-effects of Indomethacin).
The injections gave me an all over body ache and by the time my hubby reached me on 6th May, I was completely bed-ridden.
I wish I could have seen that doctor again. To give her the same injections and one dose of Indomethacin.

Long Cold Night

Last night my worst fears were realized.
My left leg - precisely the back of my calf muscles started aching like hell. There were electric shock like radiations. I panicked immediately. But did not tell hubby.
I cried myself to sleep. My deteriorating health, my resulting dismal performance in office, our bleak future loomed large in front of my eyes.
I hoped that I could 'sleep away' the pain. Which unfortunately did not happen.
The silver lining was that I slept without pain.
Was indecisive in the morning regarding office.
My colleague helped me by taking out her car and hence, I have come to office looking and feeling like a nightmare.
Will leave post lunch.
I pray to God - 'Let the leg pain have nothing to do with my messed up back'.

Theological Musings

What I have repented most after breaking my back is my shaking belief in God.
I want to believe in Her but my mind does not comply.
I used to be an atheist in my childhood.
Once Meni Miaow got very ill. She refused food for almost a week. Then, one day, in the darkest day of her illness, she ran away. I was grief stricken and prayed fervently to Ma Kali to bring her back to me and to spare her life. Miraculously, our maid informed that Meni Miaow was hididng on one of the windowsheds next door. I remember having stood on a stool and climbed the shed daringly to rescue her. She took her medicines calmly and started getting better from the next day. My belief in Ma was established.
Through the next few years, I had started praying to Her unconsciously during times of trouble.
I was not demonstrative of my respect and belief for her. I could not do 'Pronam' to any deity. But, my faith in her continued to grow as I explored my spirituality.
Then came this accident. I cannot help but question Her what grave wrong did I do to deserve this so early in my life. Till date, I do not have an answer.
One might say that God is testing me. But, contrary to religious sermons, I do not understand how pain can elevate one's spirits. Continued physical pain and missing out on a 'normal' life twists the human heart. One starts to fantasise about bad things happening to friends and not-so-close relatives. The mind waits greedily for bad news concerning 'other people'. One might argue that this is Satan tempting the soul. But then the pertinent question is 'Who broke my back?' Was it God? Was it Satan?

A Bad Night

Yesterday was pretty bad.
Walked home in a rain.
Everything I tried to cook flopped.
I ate two slices of buttered bread with a cheese slice in between and watched back-to-back episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" and "Criminal Minds".
My back was hurting real bad and I was depressed because of that.
Skipped the hot shower and massaged some Volini on my poor back and went to sleep.
Woke up at 2:30 AM in the night. My back was aching and I was feeling hungry. Warmed some milk and had some cornflakes. Massaged Volini again and tried hard to get back to sleep. I could not afford to take Carisoprodol so late in the night for fear of sleeping late into the morning.
Woke up irritated and touchy in the morning.
Have reported late for work :(
Wish today brings less/no pain for me.

Fingers Crossed

I had a bad weekend with considerable back pain.
However, this week started off on a lukewarm note. I had moderate to low pain yesterday and today.

I tried hot compress with a small towel on 6th April and I was bedridden for the next 5 days due to pain in L2/L3. A hot bath 6 days later gave me pain in L5. So, I have reconciled myself to hot shower. I am taking a brief hot shower at night followed by gentle massage with Volini.I also had to take Carisoprodol at night but that was primarily for a sound sleep and not so much for the pain.

My husband would be flying back next week or the week after and would be accompanying me back home. I am planning a trip to Vellore, India once I am back and get my back thoroughly checked and course of medication determined. Let's see what the future has in store for me :)

Bad Times

I am currently extremely upset.
My back is aching horribly in a different way for the past 7 days. I went to see the doctor yesterday and he  had nothing conclusive to say (yet again). I have promised my hubby not to see the medical articles for back pain. And just a while ago, my manager told me that the company cannot sponsor my hubby's trip here to get me back - the reason being company policy. It's a miracle how they can state company policy when somebody is ill and alone in a foreign country. They never seem to take any account of any company policy otherwise. This company sickens me to my stomach. I am just dying to be out of it.

I feel like crying my heart out. I have been doing a lot of that lately. Could be PMS. Or it could be that I cannot take it anymore. Why is God trying me? Why the darkened skies all around me? Will I ever be pain free again? I just want to go home and be with my hubby. Big tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this.

Heat Therapy

All I do these for my aching back is a nighttime hot bath followed by a gentle massage of Volini. It is a pain reliever gel widely used in India.
My pain had gone up somewhat over the weekend. It is a solid pain that I feel in the lumbar bone when I do any activity that puts vertical pressure on the back like putting on socks, closing a water tap etc. This changes to an itchy annoying pain in the daytime.
Yesterday, while getting up from the hot bath, I felt the same solid pain again. I have decided that I will not subject myself to getting down and up from the bathtub from today. I will change the method of applying  mosit heat. I will either use a hot compress with the help of a small towel or I will take hot showers from now on.
Another important observation from yesterday's nightly ritual - Volini gel/cream is much more effective than the spray version. I will have to keep this fact in mind when I buy Volini by the carton when I am back home in Kolkata, India.

A Patient Ear

Have you ever felt the need to talk to somebody? Today is probably the first time I am feeling desperately alone. I cannot imagine opening my heart to anybody out here in the office. And more importantly, nobody in office has time to listen to my harangues.
Would crying help? I wonder.
There is a gap between people - however close they might be. My husband keeps talking about his office and his vacation plans when he talks to me over phone. However much I try to tell him about my physical pain and my mental turmoil thereof, he cannot understand my plight. And he cannot be blamed. Probably I would not have understood him had he been in a similar situation.
I have stopped reading the medical journals because I am engulfed by a wave of depression when I read of similar cases and realize that nobody was similarly afflicted at my age. I am like a child who wants something badly and refuses to accept that it cannot be had even though in her of heart knows that it cannot be had.
I want my back pain free days back - I want to rewind back to the day I had my accident and I want to live it differently.

Wellwishers

Yesterday, I went over to a colleague's apartment for coffee.
She kept on talking about her plans over the Easter weekend. When people keep on blabbing on and on about their plans, I believe they should be sensitive to the people they are talking to.
I have been forced to turn into a recluse after my back injury. Whenever, my pains flare up, I have to rewind and rewind in my mind, things that I might have done to worsen my pain. Most of the times, I can't remember anything specific. But, to lessen the chances of future injury, I have restricted my social activities. I rarely eat out. I seldom go out shopping. I hardly visit my colleagues - not that they are complaining. So, it's great if your weekend is jampacked with plans - you do not need to rub in that you are having a wonderful time out in the open amongst the clear blue waters of the California coast or among the snow-capped mountains - while all I can manage is to sit at home and mope.
This well-meaning lady also had a piece of sage advice when I left her apartment - 'Everything that happens is for the good'. I can think of no good in the present, near or far future that came out of my back injury. It has limited my life in a way and at a time which is beyond my worst nightmares. Inspite of that, I cope everyday only to be at the receiving end of such saintly nuggets of gold. I will keep my complaints to myself. Please keep your advice with you.

What this blog is about

I am a 28 year old female who was involved in an incident 4 months back. Initially, I was diagnosed with an L2 compression fracture. MRI revealed disc narrowing and disc dessication in L2 and L3 and disc bulging at L5. Reportedly, MRI reports have been known to be misleading in the sense that they tend to find out stuff that is really not important. Two of the doctors that I have seen were hopeful for my recovery because of my age. But in the fifth month running, I still lay awake at nights with my back pain. I needed a place to vent my feelings and hence this blog. Hopefully, it will attract others who have been suffering from back pain.
P.S: I chose a cheerful template for this blog since I know there is hardly any cheer left in people suffering from chronic back pain.