Theological Musings

What I have repented most after breaking my back is my shaking belief in God.
I want to believe in Her but my mind does not comply.
I used to be an atheist in my childhood.
Once Meni Miaow got very ill. She refused food for almost a week. Then, one day, in the darkest day of her illness, she ran away. I was grief stricken and prayed fervently to Ma Kali to bring her back to me and to spare her life. Miraculously, our maid informed that Meni Miaow was hididng on one of the windowsheds next door. I remember having stood on a stool and climbed the shed daringly to rescue her. She took her medicines calmly and started getting better from the next day. My belief in Ma was established.
Through the next few years, I had started praying to Her unconsciously during times of trouble.
I was not demonstrative of my respect and belief for her. I could not do 'Pronam' to any deity. But, my faith in her continued to grow as I explored my spirituality.
Then came this accident. I cannot help but question Her what grave wrong did I do to deserve this so early in my life. Till date, I do not have an answer.
One might say that God is testing me. But, contrary to religious sermons, I do not understand how pain can elevate one's spirits. Continued physical pain and missing out on a 'normal' life twists the human heart. One starts to fantasise about bad things happening to friends and not-so-close relatives. The mind waits greedily for bad news concerning 'other people'. One might argue that this is Satan tempting the soul. But then the pertinent question is 'Who broke my back?' Was it God? Was it Satan?